But in honor of the day, some odd facts about some of our 44 Chief Executives:
Washington's inauguration speech was 183 words long and took 90 seconds to read. This was because of his false teeth.
That's it! From now on, all of our Presidents need to be fitted with dentures. Less yakkin'! More work!
John Quincy Adams (1825-29), the sixth President, customarily took a nude early morning swim in the Potomac River. He refused requests to be interviewed by a woman reporter, which he thought was beneath
the office of President. She got him to talk to her by sitting on his clothes and refusing to budge until he did.
I believe she was also the first person to see the Presidential Staff.
On January 30, 1835, a mentally disturbed man named Richard Lawrence fired two different guns at President Andrew Jackson from point-blank range. Both weapons failed to fire. The odds of this happening were put at 1:125,000. Jackson then chased after Lawrence and beat him with his cane.
"I don't need no stinkin' bodyguards! (whack!) You lousy little punk! You want a piece of me! (whack!) I've chewed up and crapped out tougher than you! (whack!) Here's a souvenir of your Presidential visit! (whack!)"
When he was Vice President, Martin Van Buren presided over the Senate with loaded pistols!
The President of the Senate votes 'Aye'. In favor of the bill, the ayes are 6. The nays are 32.
The ayes have it!
Franklin Pierce was arrested while in office for running over an old woman with his horse, but his case was dropped due to insufficient evidence in 1853.
I did-not-run over that woman, Miss Kowalski. Nor, in fact, do I have knowledge of the existence of horses.
James Buchanan had the opportunity to buy Cuba for only $90,000,000, but Congress wouldn't let him because they thought he would steal the money and run away!
You want a $90,000,000 check. To buy Cuba. Make the check out to you, James Buchanan. (uproarious laughter). No.
Robert Todd Lincoln arrived too late to stop three seperate presidential assassinations. He met his father,
President Abraham Lincoln, at the theatre after John Wilkes Booth had fired the shot. He went to a
Washington train station to meet President Garfield, arriving only minutes after he was shot. And, he
traveled to Buffalo, New York to meet President McKinley, but got there after the fatal shot had already been fired.
"Mr. President? A Robert Todd Lincoln is here to see you."
"Oh, shit! Tell him, uhh, I've gone to...Zambia! Yeah, won't be back for a year!"
While president, Ulysses S. Grant was arrested for driving his horse too fast. He was fined $20.
"I don't care who you are, 'Mr. Hot Shot President'. There's been too much riding up-and-down Pennsylvania Avenue, at all hours of the night, scaring all the kids and old people! I've giving you a ticket, and if I see you out again tonight, we're going down to the station..."
Rutherford Hayes was the first President to use a telephone while in office. The first telephone was installed in the White House in 1879.
"A-hoy-hoy. Office of the President. President Hayes speaking."
"You want who? I'll ask. Is there an Amanda Hugginkiss here? HEY! I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss!"
"Why, you! If I ever catch you, I'll smear you with honey and stake you to an anthill!"
William Howard Taft once got stuck in the White House bath tub, so a new one was installed, big enough to hold four grown men!
I bet President Clinton used that tub a lot as well...
Warren Harding played poker at least twice a week. He once gambled away an entire set of White House china, dating back to Benjamin Harrison's time. His advisors were given the nickname of the "Poker Cabinet" because they all played poker together.
"For all the gold in the Boston Mint, Mr. President. I got a straight flush, queen high. What do you have, Warren?"
Richard Nixon was our only president to resign from office. His letter of resignation was as follows: "Dear Mr. Secretary: I hearby resign the office of the President of the United States.
Sincerely, Richard M. Nixon."
P.S. I ran a roll of toilet paper in each of the White House toilets. So fuck off.
After telling the press he was an expert in hand gestures, George Bush gave the "V-for-Victory" sign as he drove in his armored limousine past demonstrators in Canberra, Australia's capital in January 1992. In Australia, holding up two fingers to form a "V" has the same vulgar meaning as the middle-finger gesture in the United States. The Aussie demonstrators were very mad, and they signaled in the same manner back at the U.S. President. Bush later apologized.
Which, as we all know, was in retaliation for Prime Minister Hawke's gaffe in 1989. On a visit to the U.S., Hawke held up his middle finger to an American crowd. Hawke later explained that this gesture was known in Australia as the 'Wagga Wagga One' and he wasn't aware that this was considered on obscene gesture in the U.S.
Barack Obama is an avid Spiderman and Conan The Barbarian comic book collector.
Comic book shop owner: 'That is a Trojan-Man Vs. Impregnator Mint Condition Issue #1. Do NOT touch it!'
President Obama: 'But I'm the, uh, President of the United States!'
Comic book shop owner: 'And I am a 78th Level Magic Paladin and Lord Admiral of the Klingon Empire! Do NOT get your fingerprints on the comic!'
There you go. In addition to being a friend to all (and a national treasure), I endeavor to provide little nuggets of knowledge for you.