10 January 2010

Next, the exploding toupee...

First, I'd like to do a Public Service Announcement.

It's past Christmas, New Year's, Epiphany, and the Orthodox Christmas. Time to take down the exterior Christmas decorations, everyone. If you're in the deep freeze like we are and don't want to go out and seize up due to the cold, at least don't light the decorations and displays, because now you just look like a dork.

Thank you.

Next, I'm sure we've all heard by now about the attempt by a Nigerian-born gentleman to blow up an airplane in Detroit by means of a bomb hidden in his underwear. Forutnately, the passengers around him managed to subdue him before he could do the deed and everyone came out all right.

Some of the people fighting us are quite wily, clever, and resourceful, especially on their home turf, and they give our guys a good fight, as far as that goes.

But I do wonder who in Al-Qaida is responsible for recruiting people and designing weapons to attempt to blow up our planes, because he needs to be given his release or traded to another terrorist organization for a low-round draft choice.

A bomb hidden in the underwear? C'mon, man! That sounds like something Mel Brooks would come up with for Maxwell Smart to use. This is the best you can do? What next, Abdul-a chemically-treated hairpiece that, when dunked in a liquid, turns into a bomb? Good luck with that. Everyone knows that passengers on domestic flights are only allowed one glass of water and a tiny bag of peanuts. You'd be better off carving the peanuts into projectiles and using a rubber band to shoot them across the cabin.

I don't know what will happen with the Nigerian fellow. The merciful side of me says that he should be placed on the tarmac and all those passengers who missed connecting flights ought to be allowed to take a whack at him. Tape the affair and send it to Al-Jazeera with a warning that future recruits will be dealt with according to American justice, which shouldn't be confused with the American legal system.

The sadistic side of me says he ought to made to spend the remainder of his life in Detroit. Everyone complained that President Bush should have faced war crimes trials for detaining fighters in Guantanamo Bay and punished for same, that punishment being six months in jail in Belgium. My suggestion of exile in Detroit probably has just earned me an indictment as well-six months just being in Belgium.

If Detroit can't handle him, I could recommend Gary, Indiana, or East St. Louis, Illinois as suitable dwelling places.

Somewhere Al-Qaida has an A-game. Don't they? Or is exploding Fruit-of-the-Looms the best we can expect from them? It makes it in some ways hard to take them seriously. Perhaps we've not utilized the best and most-cutting weapon we can use against them-humor.

Somewhere God will be sitting on his throne, probably not all that concerned with the comings-and-goings of one rather small planet in the backwater of the Milky Way, and God's Secretary for Colonial Affairs Etc. will bring this wannabe to The Boss.

"What is it, Adderly? Make it quick. I'm due at the club in an hour."
"Sir. It seems this gentleman tried to destroy a jet full of people by means of exploding briefs. Underwear, that is. He claims to have attempted this in Your name."
"I see. I don't believe I ever mentioned explosive clothing as an Approved Method of Smiting."
"You didn't, sir, although I believe it was discussed at the General Conference last year. It was decided that the scimitar should remain the most destructive device used for Killing in Your name, although the guys in Technical said that should someone invent the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator, it would make, and I quote, "a kick-ass death dealer"."
"The Technical people need to get out more. What to do about this fellow, though?"
"He claims that, according to the rules, he's entitled to 72 virgins."
"Oh, that. I didn't know Muhammad would take me seriously when I told him about the virgins. These humans can be a literal bunch. I wish I'd given them more brains and less ability to grow sideburns. Nothing to be done for that now. Well, make sure all of his inprocessing forms are in order and place him with the role-playing game devotees."
"Very good, sir."

Stay tuned. Perhaps The Neutron Bomb Cleverly Concealed In An Upper Denture Plate will be the next weapon in the Al-Qaida inventory.

yankeedog out.


  1. Hell yes bring on the enemy with the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator who cna be outwitted by a rabbit.

  2. From complex multi-agent logistical operations like training four men to fly commercial airliners into buildings, to one clown with explosive jocks he couldn't figure out how to detonate. Al-Qaeda are a bit like U2 at this point: all their biggest hits are a long way behind them, and are never likely to be revisited.

  3. I'm quite happy with their technical Dept, I sent them a brown paper bag and they're still figuring how to get out.

  4. "Tape the affair and send it to Al-Jazeera with a warning that future recruits will be dealt with according to American justice, which shouldn't be confused with the American legal system."

    Priceless ... YD FTW.

  5. Pope Urban II missed a good PR opportunity when, in announcing the First Crusade, he included, "All Muslim defenders of Jerusalem will be given Seventy THREE virgins if you just let us have the place. That's how OUR Lord and Savior roles."

  6. Barnesy-Yes. Rather a shame that Bugs Bunny has more wit and wile than our TSA does at times, though.

    Doc-It may be that the Al-Qaida organization in time will simply become a regional issue, or fizzle into irrelevance. They don't seem to be able to do more than pinpricks at this point.

    Bangar-You mean you didn't send the instructions along? Tsk, tsk...

    Rhino-Hey, stranger! Stay ice-free down there in Georgia! Perhaps passengers subduing these people will get the point across that all the security procedures in the world won't.

    Steve-Yeah! The art of the deal! Outbid your opponents. If George Steinbrenner had been Pope in the First Crusade, he'd have simply tossed buckets of cash and incentives at the top Muslim leaders and won the whole Holy Land.

  7. True Story: the Fifth Crusade (or was it the Sixth?) took Jerusalem completely bloodless. King Friedrich II of Germany simply negotiated with the caliph running Jerusalem at the time, and they struck a deal and the gates were opened wide. And this was AFTER Friedrich was excommunicated. He simply gave them an offer they couldn't refuse.