20 December 2009

The family newsletter

Many of us this time of year get a newsletter from certain families inside the Christmas card they send to us, which outlines said family's accomplishments and achievements over the past year. Sometimes the letter's interesting, sometimes not so much. I guess it is a convenient way to get the news out.

So here's my family newsletter. Enjoy!

Hello all! My, is it the end of yet another year? Time does indeed fly!

It’s been a very eventful 2009, full of magnificent accomplishments by our family, and of course a few pitfalls as well.

Where to start? I suppose I should mention that we’ve redecorated our estate. The family has switched its loyalty among the racing set, and we’ve changed over from the Jeff Gordon look to a more updated Dale Earnhardt, Jr. d├ęcor. The wife, bless her, made our Earnhardt window curtains out of some fine material we bought at the local discount store. We donated our old Confederate flag draperies to the Salvation Army, so those less fortunate than ourselves can enjoy them as much as we did! The boys even donated their Lynyrd Skynyrd posters and Harley Davidson window shades. Yes, we have the true spirit of the season.

Our children had a fantastic 2009! Our oldest, James Robert, won first prize in the deep fried Twinkie eating contest at the county fair. Also, he passed his eighth grade English course and can now go on to high school. Not bad for a boy of 19! He took his first steps into the world of work, obtaining a position at a prestigious local eatery. After only four months, he went from third assistant janitor to French fry preparation specialist! We’re so proud of the boy! He plans on saving his money and purchasing a fancy 1987 Sunbird he’s had his eye on. That’ll make FIVE cars we’ll have located in various areas of the yard.

Our daughter, Roberta Susan Desiree, also sparkled this year. Last March, she got the most fabulous tattoo. It’s a geometric design that adorns her lower back! An outstanding display of art. And our little girl has found her first love. His name is Biff and he has a good lower-lower-lower-middle management position at the pallet factory. I expect our girl will be marrying an industrial baron someday! He did have a very minor scrape with the law-enforcement community back in June-totally mishandled by our police-and we expect that in a month or so, he’ll have his freedom all the time-not just when they let him out to go back and forth to work.

The youngest, little Yankee, Jr.-he’s a little hard to figure out. He just isn’t like anyone else in the family. Perhaps the missus had the mailman in when I had my hunting expedition with the old crew-ha, ha. It’s sad in a way. He has this compulsion to bathe every day, or nearly so. And he always has his nose buried in some book. We had a conference last month with his teacher, and she said that he is on a pace to finish school in half the time that his siblings did. I had to sit him down and tell him not to embarrass or show up his brother and sister. Everyone in the family has feelings. I don’t mind telling you that at times I just don’t understand him. But we love him anyway.

Some sadness in our lives as well-Grandpa died back in April. We think he overexerted himself. You see, every year he had the most delightful flower garden, which he would plant in a toilet bowl and set on the front veranda for all to enjoy. Evidently removing the bowl from the bathroom and carrying it out to the veranda was too much for him this year. Very sad. Grandma is taking it well. She mourned, and then took a long recuperative tour of the riverboat casinos.

Uncle Walter held his annual family barbecue, which is always a big hit. This year was an exception for a couple of reasons. First, Walter bragged that this year, he actually bought the meat. Usually, we partake of the results of his various hunting trips and roadside cleaning jaunts (he’s very ecologically minded). Second, some member of local law enforcement usually shows up at the party. Our family lets its collective hair down at Walter’s picnics and sometimes the boys get a little bit rambunctious or the music gets a bit loud. Not this year, though. Strange. But a good time was still had by all!

Of course my career keeps me on the road a lot, especially during the summer months. This year saw me get a promotion to Master Tilt-A-Whirl Assembler, a great responsibility-and a raise in pay. I took the family with me on the company’s tour of Arkansas as a working vacation. Everyone enjoyed themselves tremendously, and the people there all made us feel right at home.

So that’s been the recap for our year. We hope that you all are doing well and hope for all the best for you in the upcoming year!

Season’s Greetings and Best Wishes,

YD and family


  1. When your family comes to visit this year please phone ahead so we can arraign sorry arrange a proper welcoming committee sorry (again) party.

  2. Just missing the banjo soundtrack. Nice work YD.

  3. Now that's a proper Christmas letter.