Major Knucklehead

The Veteran's Day holiday last week found me listening to this story about a gentleman from California named Steven Burton. I've got pictures of him for your perusal.

An impressively decorated member of the United States Marine Corps...

...or is he?

The first photo shows the uniform of a Gunnery Sergeant. The second is that of a Lieutenant Colonel. Hmm. But he doesn't look any older in the officer photo! What gives?

Seems this fellow impersonated and claimed to be a Marine, evidently to impress women or get free drinks or some such. And, to borrow a phrase used by the villain at the end of every Scooby-Doo episode-'I'd have gotten away with it, if it weren't for that meddling Navy Lieutenant Commander!' Evidently the good commander saw this fellow parading around in his light colonel gear and thought 'This doesn't look right.'. She got his name, passed it along to the FBI, and they found out that this fellow was a banker, who probably never got any closer to the Marines than watching Major Dad on the tube.

I suspect it was his collection of medals that gave him away-Navy Cross, Legion of Merit, Bronze Star, and the Purple Heart are the biggies. But also notice that the strap isn't straight on his cover (cap) in the top photo. The cover is tilted slightly as he's wearing it. His blue tunics aren't all that well-tailored-there are wrinkles where there shouldn't be any. It's impossible not to look sharp in the Marine dress uniform when it's made correctly. His just doesn't fit right.

Sorry. The Navy Cross isn't terribly far below the Medal of Honor, and those don't get just given away like the Defense Service Medal, which most armed forces members get just for showing up. Navy Cross holders are a small bunch, and they know who ain't in the club.

He also has badges for Presidential Service and Department of Defense Service-these indicate actually physically serving near the President and Joint Chiefs of Staff or Commandant of the Marine Corps. I'd buy the DoD Service badge only if he were a Command Sergant Major of the Marine Corps. I believe there's only one of them, and it isn't this guy.

With that many U.S. medals, there would most likely be a similar number of allied and foreign decorations, which are worn on the right side of the uniform. It shows a few in the sergeant's uniform, but I think he's got those incorporated in the 'fruit salad' on his officer's tunic. I'm kind of surprised he isn't sporting a Victoria Cross, Hero of the Russian Federation, and the big medal they gave Luke Skywalker for destroying the Death Star.

Finally, the last uniform regulations I saw prohibit the wearing of anything that aren't U.S. or other recognized country's ribbons, awards, medals, or sashes. The campaign button is probably out, then, troop.

Today's U.S. military hands out boatloads of ribbons and medals. A soldier can do his four years, never see anything more dangerous than a flat tire, and come out with a row of ribbons to pretty up his Class A's. But to collect this many medals, Mr. Burton would have to be a general-and in his 50s. He claimed to have seen combat in Fallujah. To have that many medals, he'd have to have been in more than one battle.

C'mon, man! Fallujah, Kuwait, and Khe Sanh? Who you crappin? You were at Iwo Jima? Nuh-uh!! Get outta here!

Just like all the people out there who claim to be Special Forces, or -ex Special Forces. If everyone was in the SF branch that claimed to be, there'd be approximately 14 million of them. There aren't. My rule of thumb is-if someone claimed to be in the Special Forces, he probably wasn't. Look for the quiet ones, or the ones that say 'No Comment'. Those people learned to keep their mouths shut early on in their career.

It is worth noting that it's illegal to impersonate a member of the Armed Forces. This guy is in some trouble. Now it's no problem to run around wearing some bits of surplus gear or rent a facsimile uniform for a Halloween party, but when you go around claiming to be in the service when you aren't, a lot of people have a problem with that. I recommend Mr. Burton not walk into the local VFW or Legion hall anytime soon.

You can read the entire account at The Smoking Gun.

Interesting. But I don't know if he's worth throwing in jail. Perhaps spending a few weeks with an R. Lee Ermey yelling in his earholes would do the trick. I pulled some sanitized Ermey from Space: Above and Beyond for your viewing pleasure-filmed at that most famous of USMC bases-RAAF Amberley. If you look close in one scene, you'll see our MickH shooting dice for beer money in one of the hangars.

No. Better use the Full Metal Jacket Ermey instead. More impact.

Odd. I'll be interested to see what happens to this guy.

yankeedog out.

Twelve apathetic men and true...

Next week, I take my mom in for her eye surgery. I'm hoping of course that she can get a bit of her sight restored with the removal of the cataract. Won't be 20/20, but even to read large print would be a vast improvement. Those of you inclined to prayer, it'd be appreciated. If you have fingers, cross them. Thanks.

Anyway, every cloud does have a silver lining. The surgery got me out of going to jury duty. Like most Americans, I hate getting the notice for jury selection (I don't know how you folks Down Under do jury selection-I've heard it's 'rock-paper-scissors' but I could be wrong-seriously, someone fill me in. I'm curious). 95% of the time you make all of the arrangements to be gone from work, have the kids taken care of, whatever-you call the night before and the parties decide not to go to trial. Well, thank you! Although that's possibly the best scenario.

The second best (or second worst) ia actually having to go to the courthouse and sit in the jury pool all day waiting to see if the parties are going to actually go to trial or if the dueling attorneys can come up with a deal that satisfies everyone except those who sat there and read the Sports Illustrated from 1993.

The third worst option is to actually be selected for a jury. Modern court TV shows manage to wrap up capital murder cases in about 51 minutes, less commercials. The actual process of even a simple open-and-shut case consumes the entire day.

I've sat on precisely ONE jury. In fact, I was the foreman of said twelve good men and true. Seems during a police search of an apartment, the cops found a small stash of pot in the defendant's refrigerator. Pretty simple, really:

a) The defendant had marijuana in his possession.
b) The defendant made no attempt at a defense.
c) Possession of marijuana is illegal in the State of Illinois.

We trudged through the prosecution's case, listened to the defendant's attorney put up a half-assed attempt at a defense (really, I wasn't prejudiced then and am not now. I reckon the attorney was trying to make chicken salad out of chicken shit. It happens.), sat through interminable recesses, and then went into the jury room to deliberate. We had one juror who, in true Clintonian style, wanted to argue the meaning of a fairly simple word like 'is'-hey, she was doing her duty so I can't fault her- and we took three votes before we reached unanimity.

We trudged back in and presented our verdict to the judge. Guilty. I don't know what the punishment is for possession of a few grams of pot is, but if he got more than a hefty fine it's overkill. He didn't do anything worth more than a day or two at the Graybar Hotel. Pay your fine, sir, and learn to hide your stash a little bit better.

This relatively simple case ate up the whole day. One imagines the dread a juror has when they get a big case that lasts several weeks-and are sequestered to boot. I could see this scenario now. Los Angeles, 1994.

'Don't let me get the O.J. Simpson case.'
'Don't let me get the O.J. Simpson case.'
'Don't let me get the O.J. Simpson case.'

Then the entourage enters the courtroom as the bailiff intones-

"The People v. Orenthal James Simpson!"

'Aw, crap!'

The process of trial by jury is interesting enough, and I suppose if you have a tough prosecution and a dogged defense, it can really be a brain-scratcher. Too often, a jury gets someone arguing some traffic law or fighting a DUI. Thanks, guy, for the civics lesson. Now pay your fine and get!

I'm not sure how impartial I could be if I got a rape or child abuse case. I reckon I'd not get past the selection because my opinions would probably cause the defense attorney to disqualify me. Might be a good thing for somebody.

Anyone else out there have experience with being on a jury? I'd have asked 'Who else out there has had experience with the judicial system?', but there's no sense in tossing a 40 mph curve ball for someone to smack out of the park.

yankeedog out.

When the Wall came tumblin' down

It doesn't seem like that long ago-but it was twenty years ago that the Berlin Wall came down and the Warsaw Pact dissolved like a cookie dunked in coffee.

I never thought I'd see the day that happened. Almost all of the scenarios for dismantling of the Iron Curtain (at least on this side of it) involved a massive attack of West Germany ending (depending on the author) in nuclear holocaust or a counterattack and pushback by the reinforcing wave of American forces. It would appear that the other side was given much the same scenario but involving a NATO foray into East Germany.

I do remember the summer and fall of 1989, when Gorbachev essentially said to the Pact nations, 'If you want to, you're free to leave the Pact'. And those countries said, 'OK. You guys have been dicks for the last forty years anyway. Thank you very little for sharing communism with us.' Hungary, Czechoslovakia, Bulgaria, East Germany, and Poland all essentially tossed off their communist regimes. Romania was the last Eastern European country to be involved in the Revolutions of 1989, odd, since Mr. Ceaucescu kind of marched to the beat of his own drum. I also remember his trial and 7.62 mm retirement party, when his and his wife's body were somewhat unceremoniously pulled out of a BTR-60 and displayed to the world. Sic semper tyrannis.

Some of you military buffs probably remember some of the watchwords and acronyms of the era-SACEUR, REFORGER, Pershing, tripwire forces, Fulda Gap, Inner German Border, Stasi, Foxbat, Alfa. The list goes on. But now it seems like there never was such a place as 'West Germany' or 'East Germany' or even 'The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics'.

I had at the time some hopes that the U.S. and whatever was left of Russia could have cooperated more on a mutual military and economic basis. I suspect our combined power in those arenas would have allowed us a fair amount of say in world affairs. Such an alliance might be interesting fodder for alternate history writers. Alas, the US kind of drew in on itself in the 1990s and the much-reduced Russian Federation under Yeltsin devolved into a giant third-world gangsterland.

Many conservatives celebrate the day. They see it as the day Reagan, Thatcher, et al, pushed a plodding communist system to bankruptcy, and forced Gorbachev and the Central Committee to cave. Strange-I remember it being a bit more moderate. Reagan and Gorbachev did learn to get along personally and negotiate in some measure of good faith. Looking back, in many ways the Cold War era was similar to 'The Great Game' between the British and Russian Empires of the 19th century-a game with rules and clearly defined boundaries of behavior.

I almost miss those days. Almost. Our current crop of adversaries are more insidious-and don't believe in rules. A street fight as opposed to a chess game.

Still, the relatively peaceful dissolution of an empire is a rare event in history, and I suppose we all can say that the fall of the Wall was quite an era to live through, and quite a sight to see.

I'll have to dig up my old copy of Red Storm Rising sometime and give it a read. Why do I think it'd be as dated as Wells' The Land Ironclads?

As I went through the photo archive, who in 1986 or 1987 would have thought that the Polish Air Force would be flying F-16s instead of MiG-29s in 2007?

Or the US Army would have T-72s in the inventory (at least with the OPFOR at Ft. Irwin)?

Strange days indeed, Lennon used to sing. Most peculiar, mama.

yankeedog out.

A long time ago...in a garage far, far away

Someone sent me a pic of this car:

'I used to bullseye womp-rats in my Honda back home. They're not much bigger than two meters.'

...and I can't decide if these are the ultimate in cool car customization, or the last word in sci-fi geekdom! You decide.

'Red Five, standing by. And no, I won't help you move.'

'FOR SALE-'25 Landspeeder. Low kilometers. One owner. Like new inside. Must sell-owner needs money to hire a ship to go to Alderaan. Call 825-12-12-544-25251.'

'OK, Mister 'Jedi Master'. Do you know how fast you were going? I'll need to see your license and registration.'

'Driving a Chevy ain't like dusting crops, boy. You could drive too close to the median barrier or get too close to an overloaded garbage truck, and that'd end your trip real quick!'

Of course, Star Wars wasn't the only inspiration for customization:

"Fleeing from the Cylon tyranny the last battlestar, Galactica, leads a rag tag fugitive fleet on a lonely quest. A shining planet known as Earth. Where the remnants of the Twelve Colonies will move to the suburbs."

And of course, Star Trek has inspired a few creations as well.

This, I understand, is the concept interior for the Nissan Terranaut. I don't suppose it will end up anything like this when it's all done.  But I'm reminded of the interior...

... of the interior of the Danube class runabouts from Deep Space Nine.

KIRK: 'The crew of the RV will consist of-myself, Commander Spock, Dr. McCoy...and Ensign Redshirt!'

ENSIGN REDSHIRT: 'Ohh, crap!'

'Captain's log, stardate 9871.2. Our 'cross-picture' rendezvous with Lone Starr from 'Spaceballs' is proceeding according to plan...'

'Unfair! I get a D+ in Quantum Field Tensor class at the Academy, and Jim Kirk gets a C-. He gets command of a starship, and I drive a Prius from the motor pool.'

What say you? Uber-cool? Or Ultra-Geek?

yankeedog out.

Some mid '90s oldies

...as in Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. We all remember these from a time when Saturday Night Live was funny. Before the dark times. Before the Empire.

Still good stuff. Enjoy!

Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey)


If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone.
==========
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
==========
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a
hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
==========
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going
to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."

He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a
pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but
decided to go home instead.
==========
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
==========
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I
bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it
shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
==========
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a
beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful
painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
==========
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
==========
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
==========
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
==========
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
==========
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other.
==========
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with
some good ideas.
==========
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons
(maybe by shoving them down his throat).
==========
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call
them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what,
can't we all be brothers?
==========
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort
of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
==========
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because
I was thinking about doing that anyway.
==========
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real
quick and hand it to him.
==========
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and
"ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.
==========
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
==========
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
==========
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer,
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
==========
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I
went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
==========
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a
bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
==========
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
==========
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in
my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but
it's just eggs hatching.
==========
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there,
in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
==========
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing
and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get
drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park
and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go
to sleep.
==========
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out
it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like
a regular window.
==========
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
==========
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like
I am now.
==========
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call
the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and
started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
==========
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and
whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger
toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had
bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled
off the paint.
==========
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know
anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any
extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and
take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy
garbage guy.
==========
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're
talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
==========
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet
it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading
a magazine.
==========
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think
it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to
teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting
the vulture.
==========
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

--------------


yankeedog out.

And he sang "C'mere, little girl"...

This weekend I caught another relative rarity on the radio-our guy Ringo Starr's version of Johnny Burnette's "You're Sixteen (You're Beautiful, and You're Mine)". I have to confess that I enjoy singing along with Sir Richard, because he makes all of us in-the-car virtuosos sound really good. And he got the fun songs to perform when with the Fab Four-who doesn't like to sing 'Yellow Submarine', complete with doing your own sound effects?

But as I pulled up the video and noted a middle-aged Starkey belting this tune out, I kind of thought 'Ringo, dude, you have the appearance of a man standing outside of the high school waiting for girls' volleyball practice to finish! Not good, my man!'

There are a lot of rock tunes featuring the theme of 16 and 17-year-old girls. I suppose this is because the primary rock audience has been 16 and 17-year-old males with lots of hormones and little sense (at least that's how I remember being at that age).

Some of the songs I can pull of the top of my head are The Crests' Sixteen Candles (a bit of classy 1950s doo-wop), Sexy+17 by The Stray Cats-before Brian Setzer decided to become heir apparent to Glenn Miller, Winger's (She's Only) Seventeen (in case you needed a dose of 1980's hair band), and KISS's Christine (Sixteen).

One wonders what it's like for a Gene Simmons, who's knocked on the door of 60, and gone through it, to still be singing a song about a 16-year-old girl. Doesn't there come a point where maybe you take that song off the set list because that anonymous minor just might be your daughter (or in Gene's case, granddaughter)? The little girl who'll be on a date and you're sitting there, cleaning the shotgun, and talking to the pimply-faced, cracking-voiced fellow who's taking her out?

'And have her home by 10! (click of a shotgun barrel being seated on the stock)'

Do you suppose there does come a point where a rock star or group maybe sets those particular songs aside and lets the next generation of stars do their thing (in oh so many respects) with the younger crowd? Evidently not-because the Kiss video I referenced was done in 2006. But I do in some ways discount Kiss, because those guys will sing whatever needs be sung to bring in a buck or two. The gentlemen can market themselves!

I dunno. Just a thought.

yankeedog out.

Sartorial imperfection

I saw a short piece on bad sports uniforms on ESPN last week, and some of the uniforms that our squads have worn are hideous. There are a lot of blogs and articles featuring these, but I'm going to do my own anyway.

This year, the Denver Broncos are foregoing their orange, white, and blue uniforms for the yellow-and brown originals worn 50 years ago when the old American Football League was founded.

I suppose they looked better on the 1960 Philco black-and-white television with the 9-inch screen, but I don't know about the knee-high vertical striped socks. Actually they remind me of the uniforms of these fellows:

The Swiss Guards of the Vatican. You'd join a military outfit that made you look like a Joker on a playing card deck, wouldn't you? Sure you would!

Yellow-on-brown was also worn by the San Diego Padres-

-back when McDonald's owner Ray Kroc owned the team in the 1970s and early '80s. Incidentally McDonald's workers also wore a similar shade of brown back then. Musta got a good deal on a containerload of brown polyester or something. Actually the Padres today have one of the better looking uniforms in MLB. They played better back in the day, though.

For at least one game the Montreal Canadiens hockey team went retro with the old striped sweaters. And you'd have had to be a rough, tough hockey goon to live these down:

Where have I seen this look before? Oh, yes-now I remember:

HMS Furious, aircraft carrier, 1918. Smart of the Montreal Canadiens to try dazzle camouflage to confuse the other squad as to direction and intent.

The Houston Astros of the 1970s and 1980s had a uniform that was right on the border of bad, although they weren't terribly garish and a lot of the Astro faithful still wear the throwback jerseys. I'll leave this one up to you.

Going over to pro hoops, we find some ol' school Denver Nuggets gear:

In the 1980s the rainbow was OK. Now that the homosexual community has adopted the rainbow as a symbol, I reckon no one wants to be the 'gay' team. And the stylized skyline of Denver looks like it ought to be in the old 'Missile Command' videogame:

Back to football.

I watched the Bears play the Seattle Seahawks earlier this year and couldn't help but comment on the green-and-black gear the Seattle eleven were sporting.

Kind of a day-glo green like you might find in a highlighting marker. I had a Plymouth Volare that was roughly the same shade. It wasn't pretty either.

But for a truly nasty looking football livery, it'd be hard to beat the Orlando Thunder of the late and unlamented World League of American Football.

"Sure, I look like a can of citrus soda. But I'm making $150 a game!"

The New York Islanders of the NHL sported this sweater:

-and it looks pretty cool. The 'seafarer' in the logo, however, bears a striking resemblance to the Gorton's fisherman.

"And if an Islander scores on a power play, everyone in Section 115 wins...fish sticks for a year!"
"YAAAAAY!!!!"

Let's go to Vancouver for an early Canuck uniform, shall we?

Why am I reminded of 'Rollerball'? Or 'Buck Rogers in the 25th Century'?

The Washington Bullets of the NBA sported this outfit in the late 70s, before they changed the team name to 'Wizards' and donated their old uniforms to Brisbane under the Lend-Lease Act.

Actually, they weren't bad by the standards of the day, but I think you could get the old Bullets confused with the Harlem Globetrotters:

Both wearing red, white, and blue. Both play basketball. One was a consistent winner-and tossed buckets of confetti into the audience!

Locally, we had the Quad City Swing of the Midwest League. I went to plenty of Swing games, and I truly hated these uniforms, with the powder blue and the dumb-looking numbers:

A change of name (back to the old 'River Bandits'), team affliation (Cardinals-nobody's perfect), and ownership (a group that cares about the fans) brought a change back to a less avant-garde style unie.

But possibly the worst uniform ever issued by a team in any sport might have been worn by a few unfortunates that collected a check from the Chicago White Sox of the late 1970s. I believe it was part-owner Bill Veeck that thought this outfit would catch on.

A polyester pullover, knee-high socks, and...shorts! Like the man said-'There's no crying in baseball!' And there aren't shorts, either-at least not in the pros.

The late 1970s White Sox. When your team absolutely, positively has to look like a slowpitch softball team sponsored by Dave's Friendly Auto Service, or Al's Corner Tap!

Good stuff, eh? These are just American teams. If you know of some teams in your own countries that had wardrobe malfunctions, send a link!

yankeedog out.